The Osita Cycle

The Osita Cycle: Part Eight

2005-01-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

October 1, 1998 (Jefe)

"Chapter 8 - The Betrayal"

Night fell quickly on Tango 69. One second the sun was up - and then it was down. Just like that. The realization that the night had come made Erika shudder. The appointment with Vito loomed, and here she was drunk as an eel in a pool of Nighthawk Malt Liquor. She should never have told the management that today was her birthday - for they'd been peppering her with margaritas since her shift ended. Erika's boasts about "drinking you all under the table" had not proven such a wise idea - for though she was good to her word and finished off most of the malnourished Bolivians rather easily, the high altitude (and perhaps the coca leaves) were making her decidedly
unbalanced.

"I'm so dizzy!" she chortled as she fell off the barstool.

"Ha Ha Dizzy Rubia! We have a joke about her in our country!" joked the greasy Bolivian at the next stool. He laughed uproariously at his "joke" - but he laughed alone - for there was a commotion at the entrance-way. Two dark figures waited there for silence - and silence is what they got.

"Hand the woman over to me!" announced the sombrely dressed Vito, now looking like a cross between Zorro and El Gran Rey de la Noche. Speaking of "El Gran Rey" - he now stood proudly at Vito's side - smiling at his every word and elbowing the odd civilian in the gut for getting too close to his master.

Erika searched into Roger's eyes trying to figure out what was going on - Was Roger improvising an impressive new angle? Had he really gone over to the dark side? And where did he find that smashing hat? - but Roger simply looked the other way as Vito began to speak.

"I know who you are, Erika Cordes - and I know why you are here. My friend here has told me everything. I can read the concern on your face - but do not worry, Erika Cordes, for you will see your profesora very soon - in fact you might say that you will be spending a lot of time together from now on. Moo-ha-ha! Seize her!"

Roger looked around - and realized that Vito was ordering him into action. Being a burly man who knew what the inside of a gym looked like (unlike his slender master), Roger had no trouble subduing the uncooperative Rubia. He had more trouble subduing her mouth - for Erika began to ask unwelcome questions.

"Why? Roger? Why?"

"You never gave me an even break, Rubia! You callously stabbed my heart with your Surrey jokes when I was most vulnerable! Under my brave facade, I was but a wounded child! But no more. Vito has shown me the way. He has taught me how to treat women. You show them who is boss and let come what may! I am a fool for not concluding this long ago! And we have plans. Glorious plans. Oh the fun we will have! Together we will rule Bolivia - and then the world!"

"But you're only his henchman - you don't even rule your own affairs!"

"Too true - but that is only for now, simple Rubia, for as soon as I master the subjunctive I will be able to communicate my plans to the masses. Then it'll be time for the long knives. Adios Vito - Hola Rojito!"

"But where are Jefe and Laurie?"

"Oh - they've been taken care of - there's a little Incan Maze buried under Vito's castle - I'm sure that Vito's guards have led them there even now. The walls are painted in a sinister shade of yellow that is guaranteed to drive a man mad. Their fate is sealed! Come Rubia - my master waits!"

"You can't do this! I won't allow it!"

"Oh but don't you see - you have no choice, Rubia! You belong to Vito now. Moo-ha-ha!"

---

END OF PART EIGHT

(Part Nine - "The Triumph of Salvador" will be ready tomorrow!)

The Osita Cycle: Part Seven

2005-01-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

July 31, 1998 (Jefe)

"Chapter 7: Into the Lion's Den"

Roger and Vito were tossing back beers and trading dance-related stories.

"Did I ever tell you about the Rubia Bella and her hermana?" asked Roger.

"Creo que si - y sabia su madre! Que colita! Mama mia!" laughed Vito.

Erika came by, disguised as the surly barmaid. She wore a basket of tropical fruit on her head - and swaggered from table to table spilling drinks left, right, and centre, always with a smile.

"Here's your damn drinks!" she chortled as she dipped her finger into Vito's Corona. "Room Temperature! Perfect for you swine!" The room temperature in Tango 69 was at least 30 Celsius.

Erika winked at Roger - Roger was playing it nice and cool. He was almost making Vito believe his story about how Roger "sympathized with Vito's plight - a good woman is hard to find". Roger could play the cad - Erika declared. If she didn't know better, she would assume that Roger wasn't acting!

On this cue, Jefe walked over to join the main table. He posed as a wealthy American tourist, while Laurie appeared to be some sort of trophy wife.

"I couldn't help but overhear y'all!" Jefe bellowed. "The name's Lance Thurmond. I buy and sell women, y'hear. On my travels, I find many a diamond in the rough! When suitably polished - the rewards are exquisite! Why - I got this beauty in Nicaragua for a song - and she's worth an easy quarter million!"

"Are you trying to boast that you can rip me off?" quizzed a skeptical Vito. "And who said anything about buying women? Ummm... is this one for sale?" He caressed the goatee on his angular chin and turned his sinister glare to Laurie, who was smiling perkily.

Roger cackled at Vito's comments (like a good henchman) and slapped his thigh.

Laurie felt a wave of revulsion that nearly led to her to shriek in terror, slap Jefe, and end the charade. But she gamely played on. Payback would come later. And it would be sweet. Oh yes. Some things were worth waiting for.

"Yes, of course. Everything is for sale - at the right price. Why don't we meet at your place later - to discuss the terms.." suggested Jefe.

"I think that's a good idea. I have a new woman right now - and she could use some company! Meet me at my palace at 8PM! You know where it is - it's the only palace in town. The secret password is 'Tierra del Fuego'. This will get you past the guards. We can conduct the transaction then." His eyes turned to Laurie as he said 'transaction' - giving Laurie a fresh wave of heebie-jeebies.

"Settled. I will see you then! Come Shayna - we have an appointment to keep with Mayor San Lucas."

"Right away, Lance!"

--

Erika smiled from her position at the bar - her plan had worked - and she was getting paid for an eight hour shift (with tips!). This was turning into a good vacation.

The Osita Cycle: Part Six

2005-01-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

June 3, 1998 (Rubia)

Chapter 6
Dedicated to Salvador - Buena Suerte en El Salvador!

Laurie awoke with a start. Her vision hazy and her head pounding, she slowly untangled her clenched fingers from the upholstery of her seat. Where was she? Why was she all alone? Suddenly it all came back to her....the trauma of Salvador's first attempt at landing an airplane. "That good-for-nothing tree-hugging twit!" she muttered to herself, briefly dropping her ever-so-politically-correct veneer. "It's a miracle that I'm alive! Doesn't he realize that I could sue the pants off him?"

"Oh great! You're finally awake! You've gotta come out here and see this for yourself!" Andres stood in the open emergency exit of the plane, anxiously beckoning to her. "You were out for at least a couple hours, but thank God you're here now, because I was beginning to think I was the only one left in the cult that hadn't gone absolutely insane!"

Laurie joined him at the exit and stared in shock at the sight that lay before them.

Jefe was perched atop a nearby palm tree, sporting a black beret and madly waving a cuban flag.

"What on earth is he shouting about?" asked Laurie. Andres shook his head in disbelief. "It seems that his little fascination with Che Guevara has gone overboard....he's been up there espousing communist slogans and pledging his allegiance to Fidel Castro for hours! His goal right now is to organize a revolutionary force to bring back to Canada that will help him overthrow the upper echelons of management at Newbridge!"

"Dios Mio!" Laurie cried. She turned to stare in the opposite direction, and her jaw dropped in horror once again. "That can't be who I think it is! Not Roger!"

"Yes, unbelievable as it is, it's true." Andres pointed to where Roger was leading a group of campesinos in sickeningly familiar movements. "He's lost all memory of any sort of respectable latin american dance. You remember how good he was at salsa? Merengue? Cumbia? Not anymore. It breaks my heart to say it, but 'El Rey de la Noche' has become 'El Rey de la Macarena!"

Laurie tried to watch as Roger and his macarena devotees swiveled their hips and did their little jump turns, but it was too much to bear. She looked away, only to see Salvador run past the plane with a big bag in his hand and a crazed look on his face.

"He's the one I'm REALLY concerned about." Andres whispered to her. They watched in horror as he opened up his bag and began tossing the contents in all directions. "He's been running around littering for hours! And that's not just ordinary garbage....it's all horrendously non-bio-degradable! Those tetra-pak drinking box things! The plastic loops that hold a 6-pack of pop together! Baby diapers! I think he's lost his mind...and she's no better!"

Erika appeared behind Salvador and began picking up the garbage as it fell from his hands. Laurie peered at her more closely, and realized that she was wearing a frilly apron, frumpy slippers, and curlers in her hair. "What has gotten into HER?" She exclaimed.

"She's become a completely domesticated housewife! She's been borrowing some peasant's kitchen to bake cookies in her barefeet, and most recently she's taken to cleaning up all Salvador's messes. The worst part of all is that she hasn't said two words the entire time. She just smiles, nods, and does everything anyone asks of her!"

"But it's Erika we're talking about! Why isn't she yelling at him to stop it? Why isn't she ordering us to come up with a plan?" Laurie sank to her knees and clutched her head in her hands. "It just can't be! It's like the world has succumbed to complete chaos! What's wrong with all of them?"

"That's what I've been trying to figure out." Andres answered. "At first I thought old Salvador had shared one too many of his gourmet mushrooms. But now I fear that there is something much more sinister at work here!" He pointed to an empty plate dotted with brown crumbs that was sitting on the ground beside the plane. "All I know is that I was out cold like you, and when I woke up they were all outside gathered around a pretty blond lady who was handing out brownies. By the time I got there, those pigs had eaten every one!"

"The brownie lady! Is no one immune to Vito's infectious evil? She must be one of his double-agents, just like Dina. And those brownies must have contained some kind of mind-altering drug! Vito is close to us, Andres. Very close. I can almost smell his cheap cologne."

"You may be right! When I was out walking around before you woke up, I wandered into that little village over there to get myself a stiff shot of tequila. You'll never guess what the name of the bar is.......Tango 69!" (Author's note for those who didn't come to Havana: this is Vito's actual Email address!) "And come to think of it, there were all these names carved into the wall of the bar - two of the names I saw were Vito and Dinorah! I thought it a coincidence at the time, but..."

"That's no coincidence! Haven't you read the Celestine Prophecy? That bar is his lair, his hovel, his den of evil. Dinorah must be captive there! God, I only hope she isn't pregnant yet!"

"We must save her! Vamanos!"

**********************

The Osita Cycle: Part Five

2005-01-09T21:15:00.000-08:00

May 27, 1998 (Jefe)

"The Lady Vanishes"

"She's gone. God only knows where!" declared Erika. Sure enough - Dina, Dina's bag, Salvador's box of mushrooms, and the last parachute were all missing. Erika turned around - Salvador was quietly munching on his shrooms (as he'd abandoned all pretence of incorporating them in a sandwich). But that still didn't explain where Dina was.

"Maybe she's hiding on the outside of the plane - clutching the wing?" Roger meekly suggested.

"Don't be a fool! You saw what she was wearing - she wouldn't last 10 minutes out there! God - you're so stupid!" shouted Erika.

"But what does this have to with Michael Jackson?" queried Andres - glove in hand.

"Oh - it has everything to do with Michael Jackson," joked Jefe - who couldn't resist the opportunity for an unamusing sarcastic jab at someone who probably didn't deserve it.

"Man oh man - things only get worse. First Vito. Then Dina. Everyone and everything is against me!" cried Laurie. "Must I always be so strong? Sometimes I just want to..."

"Let's keep it together, people!" interjected Jefe, "We must have a plan. A good plan. Not a shitty one. And my plan is a good one. Probably my best plan today."

"Shut up with your obtuse rambling, Jefe, and out with the frigging plan!" interrupted Roger, eyes wide with fear and palms shaking. His attempts to smile casually only made him look worse due to his obvious fear-face.

"It's a cunning plan - this plan of mine. My plan is that we turn this air beast around and head back to Canada. We should make our own way back to Bolivia for the rescue which must come. Remember that Dina organized this flight. We should cut all our links with her - not to be trusted. No sir. The plane is fruit of the poison tree - so we cannot trust it either. In fact..."

"The pilot!" shrieked Erika.

She ran into the cockpit to find her worst fears realized. The cockpit was empty. This was a trap (and a damned expensive one too - cause planes aren't cheap). In fact - there was a note:

"See you in hell, senoritas!"
- Su Enemigo Vito

"Who's he calling a senorita?" asked an enraged Roger, trying as best he could to communicate with body language that he was no senorita.

"Quiet! We've got to fly this thing to safety! Who here can get us home?" asked Erika - awaiting the obligatory negative response.

"I can fly!" declared Salvador to incredulous looks ranging from Jefe's head-shake to Erika's bizarre imitation of a hummingbird on mescaline.

"How can we be sure that this is you and not the mushrooms talking?" sensibly asked Laurie.

"There's nothing in those mushrooms except pure fungal goodness. What are you all trying to imply?"

"Nothing!" replied Roger whose recent viewing of 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' filled him with dread about the probable result of Salvador taking the wheel. "I guess you're the man!"

"This is not my place to interfere," suggested the Bolivian stewardess, now re-appearing on the scene, "but why don't you continue to Bolivia - you were so worried about the plane - but surely if Saleem flies it - things will be OK. In fact I know an old abandoned airstrip where we can land it - far away from La Paz, and far from the eyes of Vito's spies."

"A grand idea!" declared Erika. Can you do it, Salvador?

"You know it, baby!"

*** End of Chapter 5 ***

The Osita Cycle: Part Four

2005-01-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

May 27, 1998 (Rubia)

As the seemingly interminable flight continued, tensions within the cabin of the private jet began to mount.

"Senorita!" Jefe barked at the stewardess. "I ordered my special hot 'n spicy chicken wings over an hour ago. Is this what you Bolivians call service?"

"Lo siento, senor! I have preprared the wings as you requested, but I am unable to find the dessert that accompanies them. It seems that whoever was supposed to bring the baklava did not do so!" All eyes turned to Dina, who was honing her newly acquired can-opener skills on a container of fruit cocktail. "No one told me! I swear it!" she cried defensively, throwing the can opener and inadvertently hitting Roger in the head. He looked at Dina - remembered once again that he couldn't hit a woman, and gave Jefe yet another elbow to the jaw.

Salvador, sensing that the formerly groovy karma of the gang was dissipating rapidly, broke out into a round of "Ay ay ay ay, canta y no llores!" Hostilities forgotten, everyone sang the time-honoured words in unison. Unfortunately, as Salvador was the only one who knew the next two lines of the chorus, the warm fuzzy moment soon dwindled into blank stares of confusion.

Jefe, who was usually a pretty level-headed guy, lost it. "I'm usually a pretty level-headed guy, but I've lost it! I can't take you people any more!" Tantrum in full swing, he got up and sulked over to a solitary seat in the corner. Rifling noisily through his briefcase, past numerous Spanish verb books and cat-related guides, he found and pulled out 2 popsicle sticks and a ball of wool. "They all think they know so much," he muttered to himself maniacally, "pero no saben ni papa de hacer un buen ojo de dios! Ha! I'll have the last laugh!"

Laurie, who had always had a soft spot for Roger, sidled over to the seat next to his. Roger was still engulfed in his laptop, posting his latest Grouse Grind times on his personal web page. (Of course, each posted time was reduced from the actual by exactly 10 minutes - after all, he did have an image to maintain.)

"Hi Roger! We've hardly talked the whole trip. How've you been?" But even the enthusiasm chiming in her voice could not distract him. Not one to willingly be ignored, Laurie persisted. "Roger, could you at least take a moment to look up and chat with me?"

Tearing his eyes away from the screen, he turned to face her. "Hey - did you get a haircut?"

Roger caught only the tiniest glimpse of the fury in her eyes before she decked him across the nose. "That's the third time you've asked me that today! Why are you computer scientists so obtuse? No lawyer would ever have the nerve...."

"CALLATE!" Erika screamed at the top of her lungs, which even she had to admit were pretty big. "Did you hear me? Callate!"

Dina's timid voice broke the silence. "Uh....actually Erika, the correct conjugation would be 'callense', in the subjunctive..."

Erika's glare stopped her words cold. "Need I remind you all that we are a cult? How many cults do YOU know that sit and bicker all day? Now relax people! Being the social coordinator, I am personally going to see to it that we have so much goddamn fun that we won't know what hit us. Do you hear me?" Everyone nodded, eyes wide with fear. "Good. Now Andres has volunteered to perform a bit of his Michael Jackson dance rountine for us. He is practicing in hopes of finding work as a stripper when we get to Bolivia. You know how well he moved those hips at Club Impulse! Hit it, babe!"

As Andres entertained the small audience with his gyrating hips and sexy strutting, Erika closed her eyes and wondered why even now - with this Canadian Don Juan parading in front of her - she was overcome by an ominous feeling that something was very wrong. Unable to contain her suspicions any longer, she slid into the seat next to Jefe, whose ojo de dios was taking on grand proportions. She was about to confide her fears to him when suddenly the stewardess emerged from the cockpit, studied the group for a moment, and then walked over to where Roger was seated.

Leaning over him seductively, she murmured "So you're the one they call 'El Gran Bailaran.' I have longed to meet you. My name is Conchita."

Computer instantly forgotten, Roger sprang to his feet, took the stewardess' outstretched hand, and delicately kissed her fingers. "Patterson....Roger Patterson." he replied. Suddenly a doubt crossed his mind. Had he revealed too much? "Hey, you're not planning to look me up in the phone book and stalk me, are you?"

"Oh no, Senor Patterson. But you must dance with me! I need to experience your famous sensuality for myself. Now!" The stewardess flipped a switch on the cabin wall, and suddenly the pulsating rhythms of salsa filled the air. "You two must dance as well," she ordered, pointing at Erika and Jefe. "Come here beside us."

Laurie, Salvador, Andres, and Dina looked on in amusement, and then began discussing Dina's neurotic reactions towards pesto.

As the two couples moved to the music, the stewardess motioned for Roger, Erika, and Jefe to lean their heads in close to her.

"I have a message for you, but we must be very careful. There are microphones everywhere, and Subcomindante Vito is listening to your every word. I hoped that the music would cover our voices. That is why I asked you to dance."

Roger, who had been congratulating himself on his lady-killer skills, tried to hide his disappointment. "Yes, uh, of course that's why we're dancing. What's the message?"

"Vito is holding Dinorah captive to lure you into his trap! But you must save her.....he is torturing her by making her watch Jamon Jamon over and over with him! If you do not help her soon, I fear the worst!" She lowered her voice even further. "But I must warn you of something even more sinister. There is someone among you who can't be trusted. She is only known to me as "osita."

Roger, Jefe, and Erika all turned to stare at Dina. Feeling their eyes upon her, she turned to them, her face clouding over with an indecipherable expression. "Yes, I...uh....agree that pesto is environmentally sound, Salvador, but uh....if you'll just excuse me for a moment, I'm just going to go put my bag away and then I'll be right back." She bolted toward the rear of the plane.

Jefe and Roger, who had heard this song and dance from a young man called Juan once before, would not be fooled again. "She must be stopped!" they declared, and ran down the aisle.

The Osita Cycle: Part Three

2005-01-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

May 14, 1998 (Jefe)

"What are you doing, Roger?" asked Geoff.

"I'm writing a letter to my sweetie back in Surrey."

"Give me the parchment - you'll take six years!"

And with these words, a new chapter was begun. For Geoff took Roger's ideas, elaborated on them, fleshed them out, and put pen to paper (a task Roger was tempermentally unsuited for). Years would pass before Roger would admit that the words were not his own. But that is another tale.

"On the Plane"

Times were tense as the Bolivia-bound Spanish class sat in the luxurious seats of Dina's private plane. Roger worried about how far his meager Spanish would take him in a clime where people spoke fast and dropped S's. Geoff wondered how someone who claimed to be 23 could have assassinated Che 30 years before. Erika fretted that she wasn't piloting the plane (for wasn't the pilot lost - shouldn't we see mountains by now?). Laurie gazed out the window wishing she was back in sunny Winnipeg. Saleem ate his mushroom sandwich with a smile as wide as the Amazon - Erika wasn't the only one to wonder what sort of mushrooms Saleem's "Ecological Society" harvested.

When the Bolivian stewardess came by to offer drinks, Roger quickly hid his lap-top, requested a whiskey, downed it (for Roger is not a social drinker), and took great pains to point out that he was not a computer geek. "I don't even own a computer!" he pleaded. The sight of Geoff in the next seat immersed in "Oh Pascal!" did little to calm Roger's nerves. "You're such a geek, Jefe!"

"At least I've read more than two books in my life!" Jefe pleaded.

"I will read a book when I have time. Right now I have other priorities," retorted Roger.

"Like rescuing Dinorah?" questioned Erika. "For the love of God, let's have a plan, people." She slapped Roger full in the face, probably harder than she needed to. Roger spilled red spaghetti sauce on his yellow shirt. "Jesus! That was Land's End!" he cried to the great amusement of Jefe.

"I thought Dina had a plan!" said Andres, slowly realizing he was not the only one with no idea what was going on. "We've got time! Let Dina speak! She'll tell us what to do!"

"I only know where we are going, I cannot go myself. These people know me, and I would not be safe in Bolivia. I plan to stay on the plane. And as for the plan - I was kind of hoping that Erika had some ideas."

"What! You coward! You liar!" shrieked Roger. He looked at Dina - realized he couldn't hit a woman, and gave Jefe an elbow to the jaw. "What are we going to do?"

"Calm down, Slick."

This childhood nickname put Roger in his place. Why didn't she call him "El gran hombre de la noche" like he kept asking her to?

"Don't worry everyone. Vito will not be tough to track down. My intelligence suggests that he can be found at the La Paz Fitness World, ogling the local women. We will stake him out there. He will tell us everything we need to know."

"Sounds good." said Saleem. He looked at his watch, realized there were 12 hours of flight time left and relaxed in his chair, still enjoying his lunch.

But Geoff did not relax. Something about Dina's story didn't reassure him. No. It wasn't just one thing. It was several. She was obviously lying about her involvement with Che and she'd lied about being Osita. How could he be sure that she wasn't working with Vito and not against him? Maybe this was all a setup. And Dina was the one who held all the pieces of the puzzle? Geoff had a really bad feeling about this. He looked at Erika, and sensed that she had the same reservations. He then glanced at Roger, but Roger was immersed in his laptop - and could not be communicated with. Geoff knew better than to interrupt Roger when he was playing with his precious computer (which he denied owning, even though he lugged it around like a security blanket).

Tomorrow would be a difficult day.

The Osita Cycle: Part Two

2005-01-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

May 7, 1998 (Rubia)

Erika and Dina dashed out to the waiting car, where Erika climbed in the driver's seat and Dina climbed in the back with the others. "I'll sit up front and navigate!" declared Jefe. A chorus of screams erupted, and Jefe found himself pushed aside by Roger. "I'll take care of this, Geoff." Roger remarked snidely. (Roger found himself unable to call Geoff "Jefe" like everyone else, as then his superiority complex within their friendship would be ruined.) "We're not letting you get us lost this time! And besides, my girlfriend has gone away to Surrey for several weeks again, so I was hoping that we could make a little stopover out there...."

"Both of you incompetent fools - out of my way!" cried Laurie, fighting her way into the front seat and slamming the door. "I'm the lawyer around here, and I know the rules. I'm also a three, and we all know that's the Achiever. I'll be in charge!" No one dared challenge such authority, and so they were off. Or almost off.

"Hey osita...uh, I mean Dina, where exactly are we going?" Erika asked.

"My contacts within the Bolivian paramilitary have provided me with a jet to take us to La Paz...it's waiting for us at the airport." Dina replied. Everyone else in the car looked at each other, baffled. "I can't tell you everything, because then I'd have to kill you. But I warn you all that things could get VERY ugly. Are you sure that you want to embark on this mission with me?"

"Soy el rey de la noche, el capitan, y el gran queso!" Roger exclaimed. "I'll take on anyone!"

"I've done alot of reading up about Bolivia," Jefe added, "and I can brief you all on the entire history of the nation as it relates to cats!"

Andres and Salvador, however, weren't so sure that they wanted to be involved. "Jesus Cristo! All we did was register for a Nivel Cuatro spanish class at UBC, and suddenly we find ourselves here with you freaks on a life threatening mission to save our crazy profesora! How did we become so entangled in this web?"

"I know exactly what you mean," answered Laurie. "I didn't even sign up for their infamous Thursday night class in the first place, but somehow they sucked me in too! Now I'm stuck going to Flamenco shows and dirty spanish movies, and if I so much as try to refuse, they threaten to give Vito my phone number!"

Dina sighed and sank back in her seat. "Aah yes, Vito....I believe that he may be the secret subcomindante of the Bolivian guerillas. In fact, he may even be the one who kidnapped Dinorah...she did say he was "feo"! That whole "I'm from Argentina, watch me tango" thing was just an act to complete his disguise. He's diabolical!"

Approaching the airport, Dina directed them to a little-used airstrip where a Lloyd Aero Boliviano jet sat waiting. The saga was only beginning.

The Osita Cycle: Part One

2005-01-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

May 7, 1998 (Jefe)

"A Day of Surprises"

Erika, the famed UBC Sales Co-ordinator, was slaving over lunch one day - staring longingly at her "Pedro Fernandez" calendar, playing with all her useless bolivianos, and listening to her favourite album "Gipsy Kings - Live in La Paz".

"Oh Bolivia - when we will I see your sweet shores again!" she sighed.

This was of course a joke (for Bolivia has no coastline, much to the consternation of the locals) so Erika burst into boisterous laughter.

Little did she know that not only would she be returning to Bolivia - but that she would be there that same day. Five more minutes of Bolivia-obsessed thoughts elapsed before Dina burst into her office. Dina said a few Spanish phrases using both the subjunctive and an impressive grasp of Guatemalan slang. Erika did not understand a word. Eventually, Dina switched to English and revealed the tragic news.

"Dinorah has been kidnapped!"

"Oh My God! By whom! And where!"

"The details are very hazy, I'm afraid. It was 7:30 last night, so she was on Latino Chat. She was talking to me - though she didn't know it, of course, as I was using a pseudonym."

"So you're Osita!"

"Yes - but that's not important now. Anyway, we were calmly discussing the philosophy of Epicurus, but the conversation took a turn for the worst."

"What was said - and how do you know she's been kidnapped?"

"The sentences leave no other interpretation. Here's a transcript of the last few sentences.

Osita:
'Espero que hable contigo otra vez, Profesora, pero'
La Profesora Infamosa (interrupting):
'¡Madre de Dios! Un hombre feo y delgado está aqui. ¡Ayudame!'
'Si tu quieres verla tu profesora, deme cincuenta mil dolares. Te llamaré en dos horas, Dina. ¡Hasta la victoria siempre! ¡Una venganza para Che!"

"What does that mean? How do you know what this means?"

"Simple - 'Hasta la victoria siempre' is a phrase of Che Gueverra's. Che was killed in Bolivia. These kidnappers are obviously remnants of Che's guerrilla force and are holed up somewhere in Bolivia! We must go immediately!"

"I understand the Che connection - but why Dinorah? How the hell can you be so sure - it's not much to go on! And how did he know it was you, Dina?"

"Erika - I have a secret. I am Bolivian. I served in the army that executed Che. I was a trained assassin - and I had a ironic nickname."

"Let me guess... osita?"

"And that is why I am so worried, Erika. We have a flight to catch. These people know me - and they want revenge. We must be careful."

"But it's just the two of us!"

"No, Erika - Jefe, Roger, Salvador, Andres, and Lori are in the car."

"¡Vamonos!"